Reflections on Conference

I just spent two days and 8 hours listening to General Conference talks. As encouraging and uplifting as it all can be, that is still a long time to sit. Even just listening while busy with something else can be a little much.

This year, I gave the 3 oldest kids a small notebook to keep notes in. I felt it was important to set the example, so I took notes in a book of my own.

Growing up, my experiences of General Conference were not fond ones. Sometimes your memory fades and you only remember the good parts. My memory seems broken and I can only remember the bad. When we were really young, General Conference (and Stake Conference) were just Sundays that we didn't have to go to church. I think it was about Jr. High school that my mom started requiring General Conference.

Every radio would be playing loudly and the TV would be on. It was two days of voices droning on with musical breaks throughout. (I think I fell asleep a lot.) If a talk came on that was good lecture material, the lecture came...right during the talk. I don't remember anyone ever mentioning how much they looked forward to the conference or how much they loved the talks. Nothing was mentioned about any of it again for 6 more months...before it started all over.

As I got older I made the choice to watch Conference, mostly out of doing what was expected of me. Eventually, it became something I could enjoy, be inspired by and think about afterward. A little while longer and I even started to look forward to it! *gasp* But to be honest, there is still a little part of me, deep inside, that murmurs at the thought of General Conference.

We are now parents and trying to raise a family that looks forward to words from the prophets and treasures their teachings. We have tried to make the weekend important, but not formidable. We have offered bingo sheets, check lists, eaten snacks, laughed at the stories and let the children leave the room when they've had enough. They always come back before too long. We've used the talks for FHE lessons and talked about what Chad learns at the Priesthood Session while we eat scones as a family. There are still many missed opportunities to use General Conference to strengthen our family, but we will take it a little at a time.

My favorite part of conference are the stories that bring the messages to life and help me see the same type of experiences in my own life. I love talks that encourage me in the things that seem so hard to perfect. Anything that gives me parenting advice is good, too.

Then there are the talks that sting a little too much. I have some pretty big issues I seem determined to suffer with. This morning, the first talk right off was a hard pill to swallow. President Uchtdorf spoke of repairing broken relationships and being merciful, allowing the Love of God to govern us. He said, that the contentions and dark feelings in families can be solved in a two word sermon: "Stop it." I squirmed emotionally from the beginning to the end. Obviously, I have a HUGE problem with this right now. Sadly, the worse my family relationships feel to me, the more I project the hurt onto others around me, judging and expressing my disapproval over their lives. (But I do it through gossip to close friends. I do have some tact even if it doesn't sound like it.)

So now I am back to struggling with my situation. Do I just forgive, forget and start all over? Even with all that has been said today, I still feel like there is real reason to be wary. The fact that my family interacts with each other and not with me hurts a lot. When I try to share feelings with a mother who can't see past her own issues, I feel insignificant. When my sisters take a trip together but don't have time to see me, I can't pretend that it doesn't matter. When my siblings plan a big birthday party for my mom and never even let me know, it makes me feel like an outsider. (And even the neighbors got invited to that one!) Most difficult is that if I try to explain my feelings, my family shuts me off and tells me that I am the one with the chip on my shoulder and am creating a problem where there isn't one. ARGH! Even if my feelings aren't soundly based, don't they want to help me talk them out and resolve anything?

Do I prejudge them and assume their reactions to me? Yes, definitely. That is something I can admit is my responsibility to correct. What I struggle with is this - is being a doormat the same as being forgiving? Am I supposed to let my sister treat me in a way identical to the very reason she shunned me? If the answer to that is yes, how the heck do I handle feeling like garbage as I pretend to have a healthy relationship with someone that I would never associate with if birth hadn't thrown us into the same family?

President Uchtdorf said that refusing to forgive is a grievous sin. I feel like I have tried sufficiently to ask forgiveness from my sister, but was refused it and I eventually gave up. The grudge I am holding against her is that I feel like she owes me an apology (for her earlier treatment of me and my family and for not forgiving me). Do the two grudges negate each other? It seems like they do.

Now, let me be clear on something. If the current relationship I have with my family could be repaired, I would be able to let go of all the bad memories that keep feeding my hurt. I really do believe that. I have a whole list of offenses that I could rattle off, but I'm keeping quiet on them, hoping to make it easier to shed them. I want to be able to call and chat with my mom and sisters about life's struggles and triumphs. My struggle is that there are problems that keep recurring. It is the fresh wounds that will not heal, not the old ones. (And, of course, that no one appears to care that I am hurting. That is a pretty crappy family, if I am allowed to be so honest.)

In a short list, I feel hurt, lonely, unimportant and cast off. So does President Uchtdorf hold me responsible in this situation? I don't know if I am up for the challenge. If I work to be obedient to his message and fail, I really will feel like a failure, once and for all.