Some of you may be wondering how my one experience with therapy has worked out for me. Overall, I have to admit that it has been a positive experience.
While I didn't have the experience I expect or even wanted, it was beneficial. I WANTED things to be better and really did my best to internalize what was said to me.
I don't know that anyone likes to hear that they are too sensitive and expecting too much. I still don't think it's expecting too much to have my family closer, considering how distant they are. But the counselor pointed out that my mother and sisters (specifically, a certain sister) have always been this way and they aren't going to change. I have to lower my expectations or I will continue to be disappointed and hurt.
He also described something he referred to as the Principle of Least Interest. In effect, it means that the person who cares the least has the most control because he or she sits back while people reach out to them. Until they see or get something they desire, they remain uninterested in the relationship. I am 38 years old. My sister is 37. She has mastered this principle. I have played into her trap for well over 30 years. I am no longer playing and it feels very freeing.
Along the lines of this principle, I have experimented with it in my other family relationships while practicing not being overly sensitive. It is working. I am feeling better.
I made a trip to visit with my mom last weekend. The two days and two nights I spent there weren't any different from most of the visits I'd been making over the last several years. I feel that my changed outlook drastically changed my experience. I enjoyed myself, much to my own surprise and relief! in order to do so, I had to ignore a lot and overlook much. But it worked.
My family is never going to be close. That is difficult to accept. I still feel very sad that my sister doesn't care. Families are supposed to love and accept you when the rest of the world might throw you out. It's a little inside out for me. But I am using this experience to give me guidance in rearing my own children and supporting my husband. These are the people that I plan to have through life's greatest difficulties and most rewarding moments. Anyone else will just be an added blessing, if they decide to join us.
I am sticking with my decision to not return for further counseling. Maybe I will reconsider in the future, but it won't be with that guy. I really am feeling lighter and happier than I was before. I guess we'll see how it goes from here.
Showing posts with label family problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family problems. Show all posts
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I Don't Care...so much
I finally went to see a therapist tonight. I didn't want to go. I couldn't imagine what he would tell me that would really help.
He told me I am "hyper-sensitive." I am supposed to expect less, not think about things so much and not care so much. That is really all I got out of it. I don't expect I will go back for more...I am smart enough to get that message.
So forgive me if I don't seem to care. It's the "doctor's recommendation." I don't expect my family to change and don't care if they keep right on being who they are. See? I feel happier already.
He told me I am "hyper-sensitive." I am supposed to expect less, not think about things so much and not care so much. That is really all I got out of it. I don't expect I will go back for more...I am smart enough to get that message.
So forgive me if I don't seem to care. It's the "doctor's recommendation." I don't expect my family to change and don't care if they keep right on being who they are. See? I feel happier already.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Reflections on Conference
I just spent two days and 8 hours listening to General Conference talks. As encouraging and uplifting as it all can be, that is still a long time to sit. Even just listening while busy with something else can be a little much.
This year, I gave the 3 oldest kids a small notebook to keep notes in. I felt it was important to set the example, so I took notes in a book of my own.
Growing up, my experiences of General Conference were not fond ones. Sometimes your memory fades and you only remember the good parts. My memory seems broken and I can only remember the bad. When we were really young, General Conference (and Stake Conference) were just Sundays that we didn't have to go to church. I think it was about Jr. High school that my mom started requiring General Conference.
Every radio would be playing loudly and the TV would be on. It was two days of voices droning on with musical breaks throughout. (I think I fell asleep a lot.) If a talk came on that was good lecture material, the lecture came...right during the talk. I don't remember anyone ever mentioning how much they looked forward to the conference or how much they loved the talks. Nothing was mentioned about any of it again for 6 more months...before it started all over.
As I got older I made the choice to watch Conference, mostly out of doing what was expected of me. Eventually, it became something I could enjoy, be inspired by and think about afterward. A little while longer and I even started to look forward to it! *gasp* But to be honest, there is still a little part of me, deep inside, that murmurs at the thought of General Conference.
We are now parents and trying to raise a family that looks forward to words from the prophets and treasures their teachings. We have tried to make the weekend important, but not formidable. We have offered bingo sheets, check lists, eaten snacks, laughed at the stories and let the children leave the room when they've had enough. They always come back before too long. We've used the talks for FHE lessons and talked about what Chad learns at the Priesthood Session while we eat scones as a family. There are still many missed opportunities to use General Conference to strengthen our family, but we will take it a little at a time.
My favorite part of conference are the stories that bring the messages to life and help me see the same type of experiences in my own life. I love talks that encourage me in the things that seem so hard to perfect. Anything that gives me parenting advice is good, too.
Then there are the talks that sting a little too much. I have some pretty big issues I seem determined to suffer with. This morning, the first talk right off was a hard pill to swallow. President Uchtdorf spoke of repairing broken relationships and being merciful, allowing the Love of God to govern us. He said, that the contentions and dark feelings in families can be solved in a two word sermon: "Stop it." I squirmed emotionally from the beginning to the end. Obviously, I have a HUGE problem with this right now. Sadly, the worse my family relationships feel to me, the more I project the hurt onto others around me, judging and expressing my disapproval over their lives. (But I do it through gossip to close friends. I do have some tact even if it doesn't sound like it.)
So now I am back to struggling with my situation. Do I just forgive, forget and start all over? Even with all that has been said today, I still feel like there is real reason to be wary. The fact that my family interacts with each other and not with me hurts a lot. When I try to share feelings with a mother who can't see past her own issues, I feel insignificant. When my sisters take a trip together but don't have time to see me, I can't pretend that it doesn't matter. When my siblings plan a big birthday party for my mom and never even let me know, it makes me feel like an outsider. (And even the neighbors got invited to that one!) Most difficult is that if I try to explain my feelings, my family shuts me off and tells me that I am the one with the chip on my shoulder and am creating a problem where there isn't one. ARGH! Even if my feelings aren't soundly based, don't they want to help me talk them out and resolve anything?
Do I prejudge them and assume their reactions to me? Yes, definitely. That is something I can admit is my responsibility to correct. What I struggle with is this - is being a doormat the same as being forgiving? Am I supposed to let my sister treat me in a way identical to the very reason she shunned me? If the answer to that is yes, how the heck do I handle feeling like garbage as I pretend to have a healthy relationship with someone that I would never associate with if birth hadn't thrown us into the same family?
President Uchtdorf said that refusing to forgive is a grievous sin. I feel like I have tried sufficiently to ask forgiveness from my sister, but was refused it and I eventually gave up. The grudge I am holding against her is that I feel like she owes me an apology (for her earlier treatment of me and my family and for not forgiving me). Do the two grudges negate each other? It seems like they do.
Now, let me be clear on something. If the current relationship I have with my family could be repaired, I would be able to let go of all the bad memories that keep feeding my hurt. I really do believe that. I have a whole list of offenses that I could rattle off, but I'm keeping quiet on them, hoping to make it easier to shed them. I want to be able to call and chat with my mom and sisters about life's struggles and triumphs. My struggle is that there are problems that keep recurring. It is the fresh wounds that will not heal, not the old ones. (And, of course, that no one appears to care that I am hurting. That is a pretty crappy family, if I am allowed to be so honest.)
In a short list, I feel hurt, lonely, unimportant and cast off. So does President Uchtdorf hold me responsible in this situation? I don't know if I am up for the challenge. If I work to be obedient to his message and fail, I really will feel like a failure, once and for all.
This year, I gave the 3 oldest kids a small notebook to keep notes in. I felt it was important to set the example, so I took notes in a book of my own.
Growing up, my experiences of General Conference were not fond ones. Sometimes your memory fades and you only remember the good parts. My memory seems broken and I can only remember the bad. When we were really young, General Conference (and Stake Conference) were just Sundays that we didn't have to go to church. I think it was about Jr. High school that my mom started requiring General Conference.
Every radio would be playing loudly and the TV would be on. It was two days of voices droning on with musical breaks throughout. (I think I fell asleep a lot.) If a talk came on that was good lecture material, the lecture came...right during the talk. I don't remember anyone ever mentioning how much they looked forward to the conference or how much they loved the talks. Nothing was mentioned about any of it again for 6 more months...before it started all over.
As I got older I made the choice to watch Conference, mostly out of doing what was expected of me. Eventually, it became something I could enjoy, be inspired by and think about afterward. A little while longer and I even started to look forward to it! *gasp* But to be honest, there is still a little part of me, deep inside, that murmurs at the thought of General Conference.
We are now parents and trying to raise a family that looks forward to words from the prophets and treasures their teachings. We have tried to make the weekend important, but not formidable. We have offered bingo sheets, check lists, eaten snacks, laughed at the stories and let the children leave the room when they've had enough. They always come back before too long. We've used the talks for FHE lessons and talked about what Chad learns at the Priesthood Session while we eat scones as a family. There are still many missed opportunities to use General Conference to strengthen our family, but we will take it a little at a time.
My favorite part of conference are the stories that bring the messages to life and help me see the same type of experiences in my own life. I love talks that encourage me in the things that seem so hard to perfect. Anything that gives me parenting advice is good, too.
Then there are the talks that sting a little too much. I have some pretty big issues I seem determined to suffer with. This morning, the first talk right off was a hard pill to swallow. President Uchtdorf spoke of repairing broken relationships and being merciful, allowing the Love of God to govern us. He said, that the contentions and dark feelings in families can be solved in a two word sermon: "Stop it." I squirmed emotionally from the beginning to the end. Obviously, I have a HUGE problem with this right now. Sadly, the worse my family relationships feel to me, the more I project the hurt onto others around me, judging and expressing my disapproval over their lives. (But I do it through gossip to close friends. I do have some tact even if it doesn't sound like it.)
So now I am back to struggling with my situation. Do I just forgive, forget and start all over? Even with all that has been said today, I still feel like there is real reason to be wary. The fact that my family interacts with each other and not with me hurts a lot. When I try to share feelings with a mother who can't see past her own issues, I feel insignificant. When my sisters take a trip together but don't have time to see me, I can't pretend that it doesn't matter. When my siblings plan a big birthday party for my mom and never even let me know, it makes me feel like an outsider. (And even the neighbors got invited to that one!) Most difficult is that if I try to explain my feelings, my family shuts me off and tells me that I am the one with the chip on my shoulder and am creating a problem where there isn't one. ARGH! Even if my feelings aren't soundly based, don't they want to help me talk them out and resolve anything?
Do I prejudge them and assume their reactions to me? Yes, definitely. That is something I can admit is my responsibility to correct. What I struggle with is this - is being a doormat the same as being forgiving? Am I supposed to let my sister treat me in a way identical to the very reason she shunned me? If the answer to that is yes, how the heck do I handle feeling like garbage as I pretend to have a healthy relationship with someone that I would never associate with if birth hadn't thrown us into the same family?
President Uchtdorf said that refusing to forgive is a grievous sin. I feel like I have tried sufficiently to ask forgiveness from my sister, but was refused it and I eventually gave up. The grudge I am holding against her is that I feel like she owes me an apology (for her earlier treatment of me and my family and for not forgiving me). Do the two grudges negate each other? It seems like they do.
Now, let me be clear on something. If the current relationship I have with my family could be repaired, I would be able to let go of all the bad memories that keep feeding my hurt. I really do believe that. I have a whole list of offenses that I could rattle off, but I'm keeping quiet on them, hoping to make it easier to shed them. I want to be able to call and chat with my mom and sisters about life's struggles and triumphs. My struggle is that there are problems that keep recurring. It is the fresh wounds that will not heal, not the old ones. (And, of course, that no one appears to care that I am hurting. That is a pretty crappy family, if I am allowed to be so honest.)
In a short list, I feel hurt, lonely, unimportant and cast off. So does President Uchtdorf hold me responsible in this situation? I don't know if I am up for the challenge. If I work to be obedient to his message and fail, I really will feel like a failure, once and for all.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Therapy
I've mentioned before that my blog is like therapy for me. Since making my last drastic switch, I have felt this is even more true. Many of you have been kind and "upped" your comments. I don't want you all to comment just to keep me from falling off the deep end, but please don't stop! I guess I want it both ways. :)
I've also thought many times over the last few years that I need to see a professional therapist/counselor. But I'd have a good few weeks and think I'd beaten the problem, only to have another melt down later. In the last couple of months, I'd decided it was really time to talk to my bishop about pointing me in the right direction. (Crying through 3 hours of church was a good motivator.)
Well, my new blog therapy had lifted my spirits a bit, so I wasn't actively pursuing the decision I'd made to seek help. Fortunately(?), there are some folks around here who think I need some encouragement. I was "reported" to my bishop and he talked to me today. Bottom line...I am expecting a call some time this week to set up my first appointment.
In a dream world, I'd love to tell my sad tale and put all the blame on my family. In reality, I need someone to help me see what I haven't been able to show myself and help me work through this mess. Even if my family never changes, I hope to be able to have a more positive perspective on things. And maybe they don't need to change...though I still think they do. !!
It sure would be nice for Chad and my children to have a less emotional woman ruling their lives, and my friends would probably like to witness fewer breakdowns as well. Here's to hoping for good things!
I've also thought many times over the last few years that I need to see a professional therapist/counselor. But I'd have a good few weeks and think I'd beaten the problem, only to have another melt down later. In the last couple of months, I'd decided it was really time to talk to my bishop about pointing me in the right direction. (Crying through 3 hours of church was a good motivator.)
Well, my new blog therapy had lifted my spirits a bit, so I wasn't actively pursuing the decision I'd made to seek help. Fortunately(?), there are some folks around here who think I need some encouragement. I was "reported" to my bishop and he talked to me today. Bottom line...I am expecting a call some time this week to set up my first appointment.
In a dream world, I'd love to tell my sad tale and put all the blame on my family. In reality, I need someone to help me see what I haven't been able to show myself and help me work through this mess. Even if my family never changes, I hope to be able to have a more positive perspective on things. And maybe they don't need to change...though I still think they do. !!
It sure would be nice for Chad and my children to have a less emotional woman ruling their lives, and my friends would probably like to witness fewer breakdowns as well. Here's to hoping for good things!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Drama Queen
My family has had enough of me.
Enough of my whining about not hearing from anyone while they all party it up together down there. I guess my post about trying to decide to blog or not was the last straw for my mother.
She called me on Monday and lectured me on how I AM loved. She says she gets up here as often as she can (it's 3-5 times a year). She informed me that she only has between 1 and 3 in the afternoons when it's quiet enough to call, because that's when her daycare kids are resting. But she "knows" that's when I'm napping, so I'm free to call her at that time when it works. (I rarely get a nap these days.) I guess her daycare kids never go home and they are there all weekend?
Before you think I am sitting around staring at my phone, let me say that I have tried calling her. She usually doesn't have time to talk for one reason or another or doesn't answer at all.
We go months without talking to each other. She lives 3 hours away, but it may as well be 3 days.
So she told me that the family doesn't need the drama. I just need to know that I am loved and be satisfied with that. Just because I don't hear from them, it doesn't mean anything. And that is just how it feels...it doesn't mean anything.
I really hate hearing about how much people talk to their mothers (and sisters) and call them when they need help or a listening ear. I can call for help; my mother will come if I need her (my sisters won't). However, she does not have listening ears. Her problems are always worse than mine. I tell her things several times and then have to hear her say later that she didn't know that!
Through poor judgment, I had been using my friends for listening ears. When I had one tell me that she doesn't call me because I talk too long, I pretty much stopped picking up the phone at all. It's a tough road to walk...draining my energy to raise 6 kids and not having someone help me maintain my reserves. Chad is great, but Chad is not a woman (thankfully).
I know I am a "hot head," and I have seen it get worse the past few years. I think it must be related to my strained family relationships. It really would be easier not to have a family at all than to have one like this one.
Well, the family isn't getting the drama now. There's a lot more they aren't "getting."
Enough of my whining about not hearing from anyone while they all party it up together down there. I guess my post about trying to decide to blog or not was the last straw for my mother.
She called me on Monday and lectured me on how I AM loved. She says she gets up here as often as she can (it's 3-5 times a year). She informed me that she only has between 1 and 3 in the afternoons when it's quiet enough to call, because that's when her daycare kids are resting. But she "knows" that's when I'm napping, so I'm free to call her at that time when it works. (I rarely get a nap these days.) I guess her daycare kids never go home and they are there all weekend?
Before you think I am sitting around staring at my phone, let me say that I have tried calling her. She usually doesn't have time to talk for one reason or another or doesn't answer at all.
We go months without talking to each other. She lives 3 hours away, but it may as well be 3 days.
So she told me that the family doesn't need the drama. I just need to know that I am loved and be satisfied with that. Just because I don't hear from them, it doesn't mean anything. And that is just how it feels...it doesn't mean anything.
I really hate hearing about how much people talk to their mothers (and sisters) and call them when they need help or a listening ear. I can call for help; my mother will come if I need her (my sisters won't). However, she does not have listening ears. Her problems are always worse than mine. I tell her things several times and then have to hear her say later that she didn't know that!
Through poor judgment, I had been using my friends for listening ears. When I had one tell me that she doesn't call me because I talk too long, I pretty much stopped picking up the phone at all. It's a tough road to walk...draining my energy to raise 6 kids and not having someone help me maintain my reserves. Chad is great, but Chad is not a woman (thankfully).
I know I am a "hot head," and I have seen it get worse the past few years. I think it must be related to my strained family relationships. It really would be easier not to have a family at all than to have one like this one.
Well, the family isn't getting the drama now. There's a lot more they aren't "getting."
Monday, March 19, 2012
New Direction
I feel like this new blog I have created is a bit on the extreme side of things. I have thought about making this move for several months now and an unpleasant phone call this morning was the catalyst to finally take this step.
I definitely feel like it's a childish thing to do, but maybe it's time to let that child out!
I have not posted much lately because I felt hurt by my family's lack of contact and didn't really want to give them free information, thereby giving them more reason to not call. (Is that a run on sentence?)
And this morning I was chastised for creating drama in the family and having a chip on my shoulder that no one wants to break through. Since I no longer have to worry about making the drama worse through my blog, there may be more on that topic later.
I have a lot of bruised feelings. Once again, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want a place to sort it out and give it an outlet. So I made one! :)
I definitely feel like it's a childish thing to do, but maybe it's time to let that child out!
I have not posted much lately because I felt hurt by my family's lack of contact and didn't really want to give them free information, thereby giving them more reason to not call. (Is that a run on sentence?)
And this morning I was chastised for creating drama in the family and having a chip on my shoulder that no one wants to break through. Since I no longer have to worry about making the drama worse through my blog, there may be more on that topic later.
I have a lot of bruised feelings. Once again, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want a place to sort it out and give it an outlet. So I made one! :)
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