More?

I thought I was stressed and overwhelmed.  Then it got harder.  I haven't cracked yet, but I'm not sure it's not coming.  This "diamond" is going to SHINE after all of this pressure!

Humming...

You may or may not have noticed that I haven't been around much.  Not only haven't I written much, but I haven't read much either.  Blogs have slipped down the priority list.  Life has pretty much taken me down a rugged road lately.

I've decided that I'm so tightly wound into a taut line of nerves that you might actually be able to hear me hum if you listen.

Chad's working out of town and not being home 3 nights of the week is taking its toll on our family.  He was released from his calling, but I was not.  My meetings often take me out of the home in the evening and the kids are left alone.  They don't like it and I feel guilty.  Not to mention taking care of 6 kids, and their school needs, and the house, etc.

We'd love to sell the house, but we've been dealing with a legal dispute and then waiting on approval from the mortgage company.  No one cares that we have issues.  No one rushes to help us meet our deadlines.  It's very frustrating and stressful.

We've had numerous trips to the physical therapist for Daniel's jaw and Nathan's leg/hip.  It was finally decided a few weeks ago that physical therapy was not helping Nathan anymore and he's since had an MRI and a CT scan.  A long story made very short...we are headed to Primary Children's Hospital next month to visit with a pediatric orthopedist.  I don't even know what the medical bills are at this time. I just know that we don't enough money for everything that is demanding it from us.

On a positive note, we spent the weekend wondering if Nathan has cancer and were relieved this morning to find out that is not the cause of his pain.  THANK GOODNESS!

My family is still not a support to me.  It's hard to not feel abandoned, since that's what it is.  My mom can't listen to my needs and I have stopped listening to hers.

The house is a mess because I can't keep up with all the kids.  When I can finally get them to bed, I try to catch up.  THEN I can try to wind down.  I often don't get to bed before midnight.

Meanwhile, life does go on, despite my negative view and constant whining.  I have a zillion pictures to share but don't know if I ever will.  Halloween was fun and I'm glad it's over.

Maybe soon I will post a bunch of pictures and if you're lucky, I'll even tell you the stories behind them.

Current State of Mind

Some of you may be wondering how my one experience with therapy has worked out for me.  Overall, I have to admit that it has been a positive experience.
While I didn't have the experience I expect or even wanted, it was beneficial.  I WANTED things to be better and really did my best to internalize what was said to me.

I don't know that anyone likes to hear that they are too sensitive and expecting too much.  I still don't think it's expecting too much to have my family closer, considering how distant they are.  But the counselor pointed out that my mother and sisters (specifically, a certain sister) have always been this way and they aren't going to change.  I have to lower my expectations or I will continue to be disappointed and hurt.

He also described something he referred to as the Principle of Least Interest.  In effect, it means that the person who cares the least has the most control because he or she sits back while people reach out to them.  Until they see or get something they desire, they remain uninterested in the relationship.  I am 38 years old.  My sister is 37.  She has mastered this principle.  I have played into her trap for well over 30 years.  I am no longer playing and it feels very freeing.

Along the lines of this principle, I have experimented with it in my other family relationships while practicing not being overly sensitive.  It is working.  I am feeling better.

I made a trip to visit with my mom last weekend.  The two days and two nights I spent there weren't any different from most of the visits I'd been making over the last several years.  I feel that my changed outlook drastically changed my experience. I enjoyed myself, much to my own surprise and relief!  in order to do so, I had to ignore a lot and overlook much.   But it worked.

My family is never going to be close.  That is difficult to accept.  I still feel very sad that my sister doesn't care.  Families are supposed to love and accept you when the rest of the world might throw you out.  It's a little inside out for me.  But I am using this experience to give me guidance in rearing my own children and supporting my husband.  These are the people that I plan to have through life's greatest difficulties and most rewarding moments.  Anyone else will just be an added blessing, if they decide to join us.

I am sticking with my decision to not return for further counseling.  Maybe I will reconsider in the future, but it won't be with that guy.  I really am feeling lighter and happier than I was before.  I guess we'll see how it goes from here.

I Don't Care...so much

I finally went to see a therapist tonight.  I didn't want to go.  I couldn't imagine what he would tell me that would really help.

He told me I am "hyper-sensitive."  I am supposed to expect less, not think about things so much and not care so much.  That is really all I got out of it.  I don't expect I will go back for more...I am smart enough to get that message.

So forgive me if I don't seem to care.  It's the "doctor's recommendation."  I don't expect my family to change and don't care if they keep right on being who they are.  See?   I feel happier already.

Therapy

I've mentioned before that my blog is like therapy for me. Since making my last drastic switch, I have felt this is even more true. Many of you have been kind and "upped" your comments. I don't want you all to comment just to keep me from falling off the deep end, but please don't stop! I guess I want it both ways. :)

I've also thought many times over the last few years that I need to see a professional therapist/counselor. But I'd have a good few weeks and think I'd beaten the problem, only to have another melt down later. In the last couple of months, I'd decided it was really time to talk to my bishop about pointing me in the right direction. (Crying through 3 hours of church was a good motivator.)

Well, my new blog therapy had lifted my spirits a bit, so I wasn't actively pursuing the decision I'd made to seek help. Fortunately(?), there are some folks around here who think I need some encouragement. I was "reported" to my bishop and he talked to me today. Bottom line...I am expecting a call some time this week to set up my first appointment.

In a dream world, I'd love to tell my sad tale and put all the blame on my family. In reality, I need someone to help me see what I haven't been able to show myself and help me work through this mess. Even if my family never changes, I hope to be able to have a more positive perspective on things. And maybe they don't need to change...though I still think they do. !!

It sure would be nice for Chad and my children to have a less emotional woman ruling their lives, and my friends would probably like to witness fewer breakdowns as well. Here's to hoping for good things!

New Direction

I feel like this new blog I have created is a bit on the extreme side of things. I have thought about making this move for several months now and an unpleasant phone call this morning was the catalyst to finally take this step.

I definitely feel like it's a childish thing to do, but maybe it's time to let that child out!

I have not posted much lately because I felt hurt by my family's lack of contact and didn't really want to give them free information, thereby giving them more reason to not call. (Is that a run on sentence?)

And this morning I was chastised for creating drama in the family and having a chip on my shoulder that no one wants to break through. Since I no longer have to worry about making the drama worse through my blog, there may be more on that topic later.

I have a lot of bruised feelings. Once again, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want a place to sort it out and give it an outlet. So I made one! :)